The relationship is long gone, but the scars still remain

I'm in a happy relationship with an amazing guy who has never done anything to make me doubt his feelings for me. And yet I'm constantly filled with these feelings of self doubt. I have this constant nagging feeling that I'm winding him up and driving him away, or that he doesn't really like me anyway.

This is crazy. The engineering, rational part of my brain is screaming out telling me I'm being ridiculous, as he wraps his arms around me and tells me he loves me and not to worry.

The other part of my brain makes me doubt. Makes me think he's only saying these things because he's too scared that anything else will break me. That I can't cope with truth or that he's scared of me. It also makes me think I'm driving him off through all my insecurities which I'm projecting on all those close to me. 

It drives me mad that I know how crappy I make myself feel and yet I still manage to criticise others for the same things that I'm constantly criticising on myself. It isn't fair, I know how terrible it feels with the internal voice - let alone an external one.

The funny thing is that I can pretty much pinpoint this relationship doubt to one period of my life. Before that period I didn't doubt myself, or doubt the feelings of others. Sure, once in a while I would worry that I might scare them off or fall out of love, but those were fleeting. Since then I think my foundations have been shaken a little bit.

L was my first relationship post uni, and I probably jumped into it too quickly. The warning signs were all there. He would make me cry and not realise, make me hate myself, point out if I'd put on weight and criticise himself for the same thing. Now that was dangerous for me. He obsessed over food and weight gain. He would physically push me away when I hugged him, I wasn't allowed to cuddle him in bed, he would criticise me, pick at what I said and pick fights, and he made anything intimate feel like it was dirty and unclean. Add to this his complete lack of affection and empathy over 7 months and you can see where my doubts came from about myself in a relationship. But despite this I fell for him. When I told me, the crushing blow came. He said nothing, and then said he couldn't say anything and definitely couldn't say he loved me in return. 

Only when I realised that he made me more miserable than happy, made me put myself down continually and made my demons worse did I get out. But it seems that the damage has been done.

I can't win this battle against the scars he's left. When I put some weight on recently I was self conscious, hated being touched and felt like I needed to fix it. Now that I've regained some control on my nutrition and exercise I feel much better, I'm happy* with what I've got and to show it off. But it's also made me frustrated that other people aren't fixing themselves. What right do I have to make other people feel miserable, inadequate and like they need to 'fix' themselves? It's bad enough I do that to myself - I really don't want to do it to anyone else.

*happy is one word. I'm not 100% sure I mean it, but I want to. Anyone that feels they need to control an aspect of their life is never fully happy.

So. Where do I go from here? Internally I need to sort out my demons and love myself a little bit more. Externally I need to be able to actually talk about how I'm feeling rather than getting tipsy and passive aggressive. I need to remember how to communicate without just relying on saying nothing and being passive aggressive. This weekend has highlighted that actually I'm probably not ready to drink yet, I need to do more work to get my brain in a good place.

Let's see what happens.

2015 Plans

Rather than looking back at 2014 and dwelling on what went wrong, wasn't achieved and was gained my focus for 2015 is looking forwards. Buzzfeed, greatist and all the others are full of suggestions for how to make the year 'the best ever'. When you look at the details it's all about small changes- eat better, drink more water, move more. When your lifestyle captures all these elements already is it really worth shouting from the roof tops that you're going to implement them?

For 2015 I've signed up for a 10km, a half marathon and to do the 3 peaks. Unlike some people in my life I'm not going to train for these events and then sit on my arse as soon as they're done. Surely the point of these events are to give you something to aim for as you're integrating more movement in your life? I can't wait to see what I can achieve when I ramp up the running training. I have some numbers in mind, but I'm going to keep my mouth shut for now.

What else? I'm aiming to go up to Glasgow more to see mum. There's not much you can achieve in a weekend but I think it's worth it for chilling her out a little bit and helping everyone. Next trip I'm going to try to do a wardrobe cleanse on her stuff as there's so much stuff in there, most of it hasn't been worn for years! What to do with all the clothing? Some of it will be junk, others are decent suits etc. It seems like a waste to just throw it all away, at the very least it should go to charity shops, but if there's something more interesting I'd love to know. 

In 2015 I'd also like to get clear skin, or at least better skin. The media surrounds us with what we should and shouldn't be doing - drink more water, drink less booze, eat more greens, eat less dairy, have more dairy, go outside, stay out of the sun, wash your face, don't wash your face. With all of the messages we're made to feel like it's something we've done, or not done. It's frustrating and exhausting. Sometimes no matter what lifestyle changes you make they don't make a difference. So at this point I'm going to take the next step and seek some professional medical help. Hopefully that will pay off. 

Weekend Wonderland

What a weekend. Where to even start? Thursday was the 1 year anniversary of my first date with the boy (yes we're romantic and mushy like that sometimes) and the start of an epic weekend of food and fun.

To celebrate a year together we went back to the bar where we had our first date straight from work and had a little celebratory drink. I got a cute bunny card and had some prosecco = happy Fi, despite a manic day at work. From there we went back to his where I was surprised with flowers and a mini bottle of champagne - even though we said we weren't doing presents! I'm not going to complain, but I did feel guilty as he didn't know about the surprise I had planned.From there it was straight out to an all you can eat meat feast at a Brazilian Restaurant in Nottingham for our friend's birthday, it's a hard life but someone has to do it.







On Friday we both finished at lunchtime and jumped on the train to Manchester to go to Warehouse Project and see Jamie XX. The mini champagne was the perfect way to start the weekend of celebrations properly. You've got to love a man who comes prepared for a train ride with plastic champagne flutes. When we arrived in Manchester we checked in at our hotel (Britannia Sachas) right on the edge of the Northern Quarter. I'd seen some pretty bad reviews online recently but we we got there there was nothing to worry about, plus the location is amazing!




Seeing as we properly met at the Christmas Markets in Lincoln last year it only seemed right that we went off to explore the giant Manchester Christmas Markets. Boy loved the giant santa made of lights and I loved the mulled wine to keep my hands warm as we wandered. I wanted to eat everything in sight but luckily didn't as we ended up at Home Sweet Home for dinner that night. Wow. Total foodgasm. We shared the Winner Winner Chicken Dinner and Nachos with Pulled Pork and I don't think I've ever had nachos that good. They were properly constructed meaning you didn't run out of toppings for the last crisps or have soggy mush left at the end and the flavours were amazing. Unfortunately there was definitely no space for dessert - I guess that means I'll have to go back to sample the famous cakes.




WHP was amazing as expected - the atmosphere was great for Jon Hopkins and Jamie XX and the light show and production was great. I ended up bumping into one of my old housemates and his friends in there which was nice and I got a little bit over excited when I saw one of my rowing friends. I didn't know any of them were going but it made me remember how small Manchester can be at times - in a nice way.

Saturday lunch was the time for the big surprise. I'd booked a table at Dogs n Dough and had been scheming with the manager James to organise a surprise for the boy. The game was given away a little when we were asked if we still wanted the Haribo pizza, but I don't think the boy was prepared for what was coming out. His face lit up like a kid at Christmas when he saw it and he couldn't stop grinning on the way home. The pizza was incredible. So much sugar and general awesomeness and a great way to round off our trip to Manchester. 


We'll definitely be back now he's seen what the city has to offer - any suggestions on what else shouldn't be missed?

Chocolate Orange Brownies

When I first tried the mixture for this last night I knew I was onto a winner. All over the internet there are versions of these healthy brownies, falling roughly into one of the following categories: vegan and gluten free (such as these from Deliciously Ella), paleo (like the ones here) or vaguely traditional ( like this).

Of course following a single recipe out of all the ones I'd found would be far too simple, so I took it upon myself to do my own version and for once actually recorded what I did. The result? A fudgey brownie that tastes exactly like a Terrys Chocolate Orange. I don't have weird flours on my single baking shelf, nor do I like using millions of eggs in a single recipe, so I used what I had on hand, crossed my fingers and hoped for a good result. The risk paid off, so I figured I'd share the method to my madness.

Recipe
2 sweet potatoes, peeled and steamed until soft
About 20 pitted dates (mine were old and small and had gone a little hard, so I soaked them in boiling water for 20 minutes to soften them up)
3/4 cup ground almonds (mine were fairly chunky as I blitzed them in the mini chopper)
1/2 cup plain flour
5 tbsp cocoa powder
2 tbsp honey
1 egg
zest of 1 orange

Preheat the oven to 180C and line an 8x8 inch tin with greaseproof paper.
Blitz your dates and sweet potatoes until smooth. I only have a small blender, so I did it in batches, as long as everything is fairly smooth it doesn't matter.
In a large bowl combine all the ingredients aside from the egg and orange zest and mix well. Beat the egg in a cup and then add to the large bowl to help stick everything together and then stir in the orange zest. The mixture will be very thick, but try to ensure everything is well incorporated and that there are no patches of flour left.
Scoop the mixture into the prepared tin and spread it out evenly, trying not to each too much mix in the process.

Bake for 35-40 minutes in the middle of the oven and leave to cool for at least 10 minutes before cutting.

Initially I baked mine for 20 minutes, however then decided it was still much too fudgey and so stuck it back in the oven. If you want it to firm up a bit more then bake for longer, but be careful that the edges don't catch and burn slightly.

Sweet Potato Pie Crust

Today when I got home from work I had just enough time to prep my dinner before heading out to training and I was really hankering after a savoury crumble. Unfortunately all the recipes I found involved breadcrumbs, flour and butter - and as I usually try to avoid gluten heavy meals this wasn't going to work.

After a bit of digging on the internet I decided to try a Sweet potato topping, with the hope of it ending up slightly crispy. In the end I was pretty happy with the results. Texture was good, nice and crispy although the sweetness of the potato was a little much for me. I am now definitely going to try baking with sweet potato soon though!

I used the topping over some mixed med veg, which I left nice and chunky and seasoned with black pepper and oregano, but I think this topping would work really well over a sort of smokey BBQ filling.

Sweet Potato Crust
1 Sweet Potato, chopped into even chunks.
handful of oats
1 tbsp olive oil
small handful almonds, roughly chopped
Salt and black pepper
1/3 cup grated mature cheddar

Cook the sweet potato until soft, I microwaved mine with a little water for about 7 minutes in total, checking it halfway through. Mash up the sweet potato and add in the oil, oats, nuts and seasoning. I found it tasted slightly too sweet for my taste at this point so added in a little extra salt. Once the mix has cooled slightly add in the cheddar.

Spread the mixture on top of your filling , top with any extra seasoning you want (I put some paprika on) and bake at 180C for around 25 minutes. The topping should brown and go crispy on the top.

The little things

It's funny how the smallest things can completely transform your day.

I managed to faff around a bit too much this morning and ended up turning up late for bmf even though it's literally minutes from my front door. Instead of accepting defeat and going for a lazy Saturday I put my gym kit in my bag and headed off into town to finish the Xmas shopping and go to the gym.

Unfortunately the Christmas shopping wasn't that productive, although I ended up picking up lots of things for myself... Ooops. The best buy has to be the Miss Selfridge leather skirt with the zip up the front. Only one in the store, it fitted and it had like 20% off! It was a sign and I just couldn't ignore it. Same goes for V-neck jumpers for £10 in GAP, perfect for layering over a shirt for work (I'm always cold in the office, even in the middle of summer). You have no idea how happy seeing those v-necks made me, after months and months of crew necks only everywhere I looked.

Christmas shopping wasn't a complete bust however, and I now just have to buy for my older brother from both me and my mum and finish of my niece's present from my mum. Doing Christmas shopping twice is hard, I mean do you keep the credit for the best ideas yourself or do you let the other person have the glory?

I almost didn't make it to the gym as by this point I was laden with shopping and feeling sluggish, but I figured it would be silly not to as I'd carried my stuff all round town. Definitely the right choice, after an intense 25 minute kettlebell session (details below) I was feeling much better and energised. Exercise is definitely my therapy.

So there I was on my post gym high, refueling with turkey tacos at home and then BAM, crashing back down after 5 minutes on the phone with my Mum. Talking to her about her problems and not being able to do anything about them often leaves me feeling helpless and guilty. Today more so than normal for some reason. The combination of that and finding out my boyfriend stayed out til breakfast last night and is currently still drunk has left me with bouts of tears that I still can't shake. Being a girl really sucks sometimes.

But to quote Taylor Swift "I'm just gonna shake it off..." and try damn hard to bring this day back on track.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=nfWlot6h_JM

Fitting it all in

Sometimes I wonder how everyone manages to do everything they are 'supposed to' and yet still look perfectly presented and appear calm and on top of it. On top of that they seem to never be turning down the glamorous or interesting invites they've had.

How?

Yes social media gives us a warped impression and we all show off only our most interesting side on it. But is that it? Is it that everyone else is better at portraying an evening of cooking, cleaning and shopping as a 'wardrobe cleanse' and 'spring clean'? Or is it that everyone has developed a better strategy to do these mundane tasks?

I think that splitting my time between a full time job, regular exercise (ok, some would call it more than just regular), seeing my friends and spending time at my boyfriend's doesn't really much time to do the everyday things that pile up. 

Sometimes it does feel like all I do is sleep, work, train, eat and repeat. 

Does anyone else every feel like this? Even on weekends and days off I have this massive list of things I *must* do in the back of my mind making me feel guilty for taking some time to actually relax.

From now on I'm aiming to find a better balance and make my head a happier place by saying no to everyone else and yes to some me time every once in a while guilt free.